Funeral

This past week has been really intense. I think that I'm going to have a hard time actually explaining the weight in which this week has carried. It was one of those weeks where I believe that my body actually physically ached to be with all of the people that I miss.

Last Thursday Luz's sister died. She was 33 and had 4 kids under the age of 16. The whole family spent the night at Luz's parents house on Thursday night to mourn together. Lydia and I were left at the house. Guillemo came back in the morning to pick Lydia and I up and take us to the funeral. Lydia and I both had really mixed feelings about this. Neither of us really knew her at all. We were afraid of showing up to this funeral and just being these awkward Gringas that were there just to observe a Tican funeral just to add another "cultural experience" to our list.

We showed up to the house and there was a huge crowd of people there. It seemed as though everyone that lived in that area had put a stop to their lives so that they could be there to mourn together. The generosity of the Ticans here is almost too much for me to be able to handle. While they were dealing with the death of their close family member they still made a point to take care of Lydia and I. About 10 minutes after we got there they took us to the back porch and served us lunch. It was to the point where I was almost pissed that they were doing that. I almost just wanted to push the food away and tell them to stop caring about me so much.

Her casket was set up in the living room with candles lit around it. Family members and friends gathered together and recited prayers for her. They carried her out and proceeded to head towards the church. Luz made Lydia and I sit with all of the immediate family. She told us that she has claimed us as her daughters.

The whole funeral was extremely intense. The entire town must've been there. I was just blown away the entire time by how many ironies were surrounding me. There was this type of mysterious beauty that I really couldn't understand. There was no shame in looking at her body. Many people would go up to her casket several times and cry over her body. I tried really hard to compose myself throughout the whole thing, but I lost it when I looked into the eyes of her 6 year old son who was crying underneath the pew. It's a strange thing to look into the eyes of another person when they are in such a state of pain and realize that their life is never going to be the same. At the same time, while this 6 year old was crying underneath the pew, Luz's dad was standing on stage in front of everyone clapping and singing at the top of his lungs with the most serene expression on his face. As I started to look around me I became aware that all of the elderly people were standing up clapping and smiling while all of the children were crying. How can such heartbreak and joy exist in the same place? It is beyond me. I don't know if I have ever doubted God so much and yet believed in Him at the same time.

The whole grieving process within the Tican culture is really a beautiful thing. For nine days after a death the entire family gathers everyday to spend time together and reflect on the life of the person that passed away. At the end of the 9th day there is a huge celebration for the life that was lived. Lydia and I have gone with the family twice. The community of the family here blows me away.

Going through that experience really made me realize how much I cherish and miss all of my own loved ones. It didn't help that the funeral was on the same day as Karl (my brothers) birthday.

As of recently these are some of the main things that have been on my mind. They really are not profound, but they are important and too often overlooked.

Time is too precious to waste doing something that you don't care about.
People are too important not to appreciate.
Holding truth from a person is one of the detrimental things you can do to a relationship.
Maybe if I could at least have a small grasp on how messed up I am then I could stop witholding love from the people who need it the most.
I have never been more convinced that the eyes really are the window to the soul.

I don't really know what else to write. Everything else just seems rather irrelevant.